"You are so kind and full of love". While I have always been seen as a caring and a loving person, something about the way this was said to me yesterday overwhelmed me. Perhaps it was because that somewhere in the spontaneity of life itself I had forgotten to love my self. That was some time back and yet when I look back today at this year, I feel strong, I feel liberated and happy that in spite of everything that could have gone wrong in the past, I did the one thing that makes me who I am- I found myself
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I still remember, how exactly an year back on this day, I was sad. I was unhappy as several things in my life were in chaos. My entire life seemed to be a chaotic mess- of people, of circumstances and all that could not be right. People close to me knew what I was going through, they stood by me and yet none of them could alleviate the pain that incurs when your soul breaks into a million pieces. Perhaps it is in the nature of things that they always tend to collapse and fall apart.
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Only to be rebuilt again
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And so I when I look back through 2017, I feel that I could have never been closer to myself before this. I embraced myself in the truest possible ways. I spent time with myself doing things I loved the most- reading books, writing, traveling, making crafts and volunteering at the museum. I often get the question that how do I manage so many things when I am a full time grad student and the only thing I can think of is that I love what I do. I have always done things that I truly love and that makes all the difference to me
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I have realized that events will always be cowards. They will never occur singly, instead would occur in packs and leap out all at once. But even then, 2017 you will be special in a lot of ways. Years later when perhaps I'd have tell my daughter about you, I'd do so with a sense of pride and affection that will always be reserved exclusively for you. For you gave me a new beginning. I'd tell her how in the middle of chaos I found peace and I'd teach her never to compromise with her convictions and stand by what she truly believes in. That when we truly believe in the smallest of things we find the strength to be ourself. I'd tell her how slowly over time she will find a sense of peace and contentment that can only be felt and not stringed into words. I'd tell her that some day every bad phase would be overwritten by the good and the love inside her soul. And that love will always guide her towards all that is beautiful and infinite.
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Like the shooting stars and the moon.
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And stardust.
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Thank you for being kind to me. I will miss your quirkiness and all that was good about you, for in you I found myself.
-S.
