Oh! How I hated you
for being so insensitive, for saying those things that I just couldn't hear.
Each word bore its mark deeper than a dagger. Technically it was our first
fight... But when you stood in front of me, all the anger, all the ego that had
lurked at the brink of my consciousness faded away- as if its presence was a
mere illusion. I never knew that understanding desire would be so contradicting
- in itself.
In that open space, sitting under the
night sky, the tension that hung in the air, as our fingers barely touched, “Desire”
was in fact the last thing on my mind. My entire body, my limbs, seem to
shiver; yet somehow when amidst the crowd of hundreds surrounding us, you lean
forth towards me, you somehow transfer all your strength in me.
There are a million ways to make love,
they say; but looking into your eyes and losing myself in the depths that exist
within it, would have been the only way I would have wanted it. Desire, masks
itself in various forms, and yet when you stop the car in the middle of the
road, to let me have a peak into the night sky, your hands- gently touching mine
to help me adjust the seat- I feel the gentleness in the desire that emanates
from you. We both are well aware that this might destroy us- me and you, and
still this forbidden fruit of passion and love is so alluring. By now we know
that we can't spend the night away from each other.
As I lay in your arms, I feel that no
place is safer- safe enough to calm down my demons. Though my eyes are closed,
I can feel your hands on my face- caressing me gently as a child, putting me to
sleep. Uninvited tears try to escape the corner of my eyelids, and as you
realize this and place a kiss on my forehead, I feel the seed of pure desire
building up in me. Your lips trace the ink on my back, as I try to explain its
meaning to you. "The soul is free" it says and yet in this moment, I
feel bound to you- by love and emotions unexplained. My head feels heavy
and I am confused whether it’s my heart (the hormones could have been a better
answer though- easy to understand).
I have no clue, why this (us?) feels so
right. All I know is that when you hold me down playfully, your eyes speak of
depths, of love that can transfer me somewhere I know only you can take me. And
then the realization dawns, that making love is not about being naked. Caught
between my thoughts and the reality of your existence, I somehow drift off into
a state of slumber; and yet I am aware that you have been awake the entire
time. The moans of my own desire seem to reach me from a distant place. It’s
the wee hours of the morning now, some uneasiness jerks me back to reality and
a sigh escapes my lips. I am shivering and then I find you, holding me more
closely than I would have thought possible, calming me down. I am afraid of the
dawn now, for I will have to go away from you I know.
I turn my back towards you, not wanting
you to see the tears that roll down my cheeks. But then I feel your hands on my
back- giving me a sensation of peace that now I will always associate with only
you.
As I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes
seem different- as if they belong to some stranger. What exactly have you done
to me? Made me fall in love with you? My lips are swollen...And the marks on my
neck, do not embarrass me. It feels fulfilling to belong to you so completely
that even in you absence I can feel us together.
Me and you- so different,
You - so distant from me,
Yet your presence stays in me like the
scent of a
Wildflower.
