Love--Life ---Reality

Books, I believe offer us such solace that it is incomparable to any other form of respite existing on earth. I as an individual, have always been drawn to the concept of love. Love in any form, to me is like a divine connection, one that transcends the worldly boundaries placed around us. The last two books that I read- IQ84 and We the Living exposed me to two different facets of love, that I am brimming with thoughts and realizations that need to be penned down to help me make sense of it all. 

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Love and eternity, have so often be used together, probably to give expression to the timeless existence of this emotion. But what in reality is this eternity ? Isn't time itself a deceptive entity and so on what grounds do we use eternity as a measure of this emotion?

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Where IQ84 set my pulse racing with the thrill of what the protagonists, two people deeply in love, but separated by parallel existence in alternate worlds would encounter, would their worlds ever merge to the singularity of existence. On the other hand, We the Living seemed like a reality check on how circumstances and life as it morphs love into something that is unknown. Set against the background of the Russian Revolution, the lives of three people who give up everything in the quest of love end up in circumstances they would have never envisaged themselves in. 

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The female protagonist, once hailed as a feminist, who looks down on men, chooses to be the mistress to someone to save the life of her beloved. Two men, one whose principals and ideals were larger than life chooses to be the arm candy of the rich- the existence of whom he had detested and the other who gave up his very beliefs and ideals and ultimately his life for the one woman he loved.

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Its difficult to say if they found happiness; what they did discover was the reality which in itself is like an illusion. And this is where these two works of fiction pull me in. Both culminated into a so- called reality. I get fascinated by how everything fits together.

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Love.

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Life

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Reality

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These alternate worlds that we imagine, aren't they part of our own physical existence, brought to the forefront by adversities and unrest. And if so, what is it that we all are seeking?

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I realize that that for each one of us, there is a distinct reality- one that is defined by the present and the past, like two alternate versions of the world.

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And the future, well that is the impetus for all the unrest inside us, isn't it?

-S.

Closure

Love, is a concept that is so warped up around existence and experience. The depth and intensity of this emotion, at times leaves us changed and broken. Being broken, however is a sign that we are still vulnerable and that our soul is still nascent in the way it connects.
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Across boundaries.
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There are so many people who are at the same time broken as well as strong, holding on, to the vestiges of sustenance. What surprises me is the mask of indifference that people often choose to hide their pain. Is it that easy - to not care, to be unavailable emotionally? These boundaries we have created to keep ourselves sane, scares and distresses me. When love is intense, so is the hurt that comes with it. And that, I feel is perfectly normal. Our survival, our existence- everything is somewhat jeopardized.
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But what I find most beautiful, is our ability to heal - over time. That of course might take years and that indeed signifies how important something had been to us. But we heal - eventually. And that one thing which helps the process is friendship and love, one that is unconditional, non-judgmental, that which accepts you for who you truly are. People, who themselves have gone through the pain of an emotional breakdown, often end up trivializing problems faced by other people.
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What I wonder, is why can't people be just there? As a support and not often words of advice. However great the purpose might be, its useless unless the hurt soul finds closure inside.
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Closure- its such a paradox, you know. Its like a veil that separates acceptance and reality. Like an imaginary boundary, which when crossed calms down all our demons. I've seen and heard people mock others, who are too emotional, too naive and too connected to things that happen around them. But, love- that simple, divine connection one feels- might last for a moment or for a lifetime. They perhaps do not realize, how brave a soul has to be to accept that something that beautiful could not last forever.
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Does it really matter, whether it was a moment or an eternity? After knowing love, which no human words can never tell, the distinction between the two ceases. I feel distressed to realize that even in the moment that I've moved on - from people, from circumstances, I am still stuck. As if I have parallel versions of my soul, each latched onto those memories.
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The beauty of this distress indeed culminates into the journey of healing. Seeing a journey, that at one point was so unlikely, insurmountable in fact, like that incessant body ache which creeps down to the limbs, into every pore and cell of the body, refusing to go away. Over time, the pain kind of settles down. We learn to live with it, accept it.
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And so acceptance of our vulnerabilities, our own absurdities, our need to connect is the one thing that perhaps propels us towards the path of peace.
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The path that can turn a colorless void around us, into a beautiful, colorful sphere, where as individuals we can grow, evolve and be our own true self.
-S.

Rules of the game

Dear Stranger,

A time will come, after you've known me for a few days, that you would start to think that you know me well, so well that you would think that I am an emotional and predictable mess. My emotional rawness and impulsiveness, at times will confuse you, for I am not the kinds who would shy away from wanting to get the stars for you. I believe in equality, but I am not the kind who searches for an opportunity to try and prove how feminist I am, by being condescending towards you- if you do not pull out the chair for me. You might think, that my ability to love fearlessly, is a sign that I am needy. But you'd be wrong- just like so many people I have met before; who chose to see me how they wanted to and not once, for who I really am. If I can love, I can bend all forces to be with you. That, though wouldn't weaken my resolve to walk away if you can't love the entirety and chaos of me. I would want you, all of you- with all your darkness and the secrets that you think are yours alone. 

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You would label it as lack of trust and comfort that would come with time. But love, my sweetheart, binds us in ways that time and comfort become redundant and obsolete. There is something in the way I will love you, that the metaphysical distinction between our souls would cease to exist. People say that we fall in love several times, but its never the same love twice.

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I differ, for I do not know, how to love halfheartedly. I won't look into your eyes, thinking of my first kiss, or the first time I held someone's hand. All of these moments- morphed me into who I am, made me fearless enough to believe in love- one that transcends time and space. I will not shy away from telling you how a heartbreak seemed like the end of the world and yet how I healed- slowly, putting myself back into the whole I once was.

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And if I am giving you my love, you will know that a part of my soul will have found a horcrux- that I will continue to grow, evolve and bloom as long as me and you are scattered across this vast infinity of life. And when we part, I promise you'd not regret it; because one of the things about love is that it can bring out our worst and our best.

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And you would hate the worst, I would bring out in you. 

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So, play- shall we?

-S.

The chaos that is us

Big bang 💥
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Before life began,
there was chaos and the Big-bang.
We stayed afloat,
Holding onto our existence in the
interstellar-
fragmented and broken
 like the mirrors of kalaeidoscope,
knowing that the world would make itself whole.
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It was like the premonition
I had when we met-
of a finality,
of knowing that we both belonged together-
like the specks of stardust
which was once whole.
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Yet, this cognition dawned,
after our cosmic collision;
As we hurtled through time and space-
Brought together for a moment.
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To be separated again for a lifetime
Or
More.

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-S.      

बदलते रिश्ते

शाम होने को है,
क्षितिज के पास एक जामुनी पर्त सी जमी है-
बिल्कुल वैसे ही, जैसे मेरे मन में तुम्हारी यादों की पर्त जम गई है।
उन काले, घिरते हुए बादलों को देख- तुम याद आ गये।
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तुम्हारा और मेरा रिश्ता कितना अजीब है ना?
वक़्त बदला,मैं और तुम भी बदल गये,
कुछ वक़्त के लिये -
और कुछ वक़्त के साथ!
पर अब भी जब बारिश होती है,
मुझे तुम ही याद आते हो।
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वो पहली बरसात, जो हमने साथ बिताई थी,
याद है ना?
अजनबी थे हम, पर  उस बारिश से बचने के लिये हम इतने क़रीब आ गये,
कि तुम्हारे गीले, सफ़ेद कुर्ते पर मेरे जामुनी रंग के दुपट्टे ने एक धब्बा-सा
छोड़ दिया था।
उस कुर्ते को देख,
क्या तुम भी मुझे याद करते हो?
या उसे छज्जे में पड़े किसी कपड़े के ढेर में बंद कर रखा है तुमने?
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अरे देखो तो!
बारिश भी शुरू हो गई है!
उफ़, गीली मिट्टी की ये महक...
"सुनो! तुम्हें ना लोग पागल समझेंगे!"- तुम कहते थे,
और अपनी नई बुक को सूँघती, मैं -
नाक सिकोड़, ग़ुस्से से, तुम्हारी ओर देखती!
पर तुम्हें हर बार पता होता था
कि मेरा ग़ुस्सा तो बस दिखावे भर का था।
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फिर क्यों तुम उस बार मेरा ग़ुस्सा नहीं समझ पाये?
हमारे बीच के हर अनकहे रिश्ते को पीछे छोड़, जब मैं आगे बढ़ी,
क्यों नहीं रोक पाये?
सब कुछ शायद तुम्हारी चुप्पी के साथ ही बदल गया था,
कुछ तुम बदले,
और कुछ मैं!
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मेरे उस जामुनी दुपट्टे से आज भी रंग छूटता है,
शायद इसलिये मैंने सफ़ेद रंग पहनना -
छोड़ दिया है!
-
S.

कुछ अनकहा सा

क्या चाहती हो तुम?
कौन? मैं ?
आप सोचते होंगे कौन है ये?
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मैं - मीरा।
या शायद शबनम!
नाम में क्या रखा है?
तुम्हारे लिये मेरी केवल एक ही पहचान है- कि मैं एक स्त्री हूँ।
जब चाहा रौंदा, जब मन चाहा खींचा और फेंक दिया।
तुम मुझसे व्यर्थ में प्रश्न कर रहे हो।
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क्या तुम समझ सकोगे कि थोड़ा सुकून चाहती हूँ!
अपने ही घर में बिना किसी डर, बिना रस्सियों में जकड़े सांसे लेना चाहती हूँ।
मुझे आदत है।
सम्भाले जाने की- कभी बाबा ने सम्भाला तो कभी भाई ने,
पर क्या मैं सक्षम नहीं, अपनी रक्षा करने में।
दूसरों से तो हर पल लड़ी मैं ,
पर अपने घर में - हॉ इन चार दीवारों के भीतर किस तरह छिपूँ मैं ?
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तागा तागा कर जब मेरी पोशाक उतारी जाती है...
जब उन नज़रों में अपने लिये स्नेह नहीं, लोभ देखती हूँ -
उसे अनदेखी करना चाहती हूँ ।
जब साथ चलते उनके हाथ ग़लती से ही इस क़दर मुझे छूते हैं कि मेरी रूह कॉप जाती है,
उस गहरी सॉस को वहीं रोक देना चाहती हूँ।
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मुझे घृणा होती है- कि क्यूँ मुझे स्त्री बनाया!
क्यों माँ बन पाने की अनमोल भेंट दी?
क्यों मेरे अंदर इतना प्रेम दिया कि सर्वोपरि सबका भला सोचूँ?
यही तो मेरा काल हुया!
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मैं मीरा!
या शायद शबनम!
पर तुम्हारे लिये मैं केवल एक जिस्म ही रही।


-

S

Paradoxes Inside Us

My reflections are you.
All these years,
All this while-
I'd survived-
not knowing how a part of me is
connected,
to you.

And then one day,
You catch me-
unaware.
Serendipity. Deja-vu.
Yes.
That's how it feels.
You make me wonder,
how you know exactly-
how I feel.

I ask you,
And the simplicity of your reply,
"We all have a part of each other latched on-
to our own soul"
This!
Satiates my soul.

I feel complete-
in some ways.
Any yet a deep void,
blares its existence in me.
Me and you,
similar and yet so different.
United by our own disparities.
Me and you.....