Rules of the game

Dear Stranger,

A time will come, after you've known me for a few days, that you would start to think that you know me well, so well that you would think that I am an emotional and predictable mess. My emotional rawness and impulsiveness, at times will confuse you, for I am not the kinds who would shy away from wanting to get the stars for you. I believe in equality, but I am not the kind who searches for an opportunity to try and prove how feminist I am, by being condescending towards you- if you do not pull out the chair for me. You might think, that my ability to love fearlessly, is a sign that I am needy. But you'd be wrong- just like so many people I have met before; who chose to see me how they wanted to and not once, for who I really am. If I can love, I can bend all forces to be with you. That, though wouldn't weaken my resolve to walk away if you can't love the entirety and chaos of me. I would want you, all of you- with all your darkness and the secrets that you think are yours alone. 

.

You would label it as lack of trust and comfort that would come with time. But love, my sweetheart, binds us in ways that time and comfort become redundant and obsolete. There is something in the way I will love you, that the metaphysical distinction between our souls would cease to exist. People say that we fall in love several times, but its never the same love twice.

.

I differ, for I do not know, how to love halfheartedly. I won't look into your eyes, thinking of my first kiss, or the first time I held someone's hand. All of these moments- morphed me into who I am, made me fearless enough to believe in love- one that transcends time and space. I will not shy away from telling you how a heartbreak seemed like the end of the world and yet how I healed- slowly, putting myself back into the whole I once was.

.

And if I am giving you my love, you will know that a part of my soul will have found a horcrux- that I will continue to grow, evolve and bloom as long as me and you are scattered across this vast infinity of life. And when we part, I promise you'd not regret it; because one of the things about love is that it can bring out our worst and our best.

.

And you would hate the worst, I would bring out in you. 

.

So, play- shall we?

-S.

The chaos that is us

Big bang 💥
.
Before life began,
there was chaos and the Big-bang.
We stayed afloat,
Holding onto our existence in the
interstellar-
fragmented and broken
 like the mirrors of kalaeidoscope,
knowing that the world would make itself whole.
.
It was like the premonition
I had when we met-
of a finality,
of knowing that we both belonged together-
like the specks of stardust
which was once whole.
.
Yet, this cognition dawned,
after our cosmic collision;
As we hurtled through time and space-
Brought together for a moment.
.
To be separated again for a lifetime
Or
More.

.
-S.      

बदलते रिश्ते

शाम होने को है,
क्षितिज के पास एक जामुनी पर्त सी जमी है-
बिल्कुल वैसे ही, जैसे मेरे मन में तुम्हारी यादों की पर्त जम गई है।
उन काले, घिरते हुए बादलों को देख- तुम याद आ गये।
.
तुम्हारा और मेरा रिश्ता कितना अजीब है ना?
वक़्त बदला,मैं और तुम भी बदल गये,
कुछ वक़्त के लिये -
और कुछ वक़्त के साथ!
पर अब भी जब बारिश होती है,
मुझे तुम ही याद आते हो।
.
वो पहली बरसात, जो हमने साथ बिताई थी,
याद है ना?
अजनबी थे हम, पर  उस बारिश से बचने के लिये हम इतने क़रीब आ गये,
कि तुम्हारे गीले, सफ़ेद कुर्ते पर मेरे जामुनी रंग के दुपट्टे ने एक धब्बा-सा
छोड़ दिया था।
उस कुर्ते को देख,
क्या तुम भी मुझे याद करते हो?
या उसे छज्जे में पड़े किसी कपड़े के ढेर में बंद कर रखा है तुमने?
.
अरे देखो तो!
बारिश भी शुरू हो गई है!
उफ़, गीली मिट्टी की ये महक...
"सुनो! तुम्हें ना लोग पागल समझेंगे!"- तुम कहते थे,
और अपनी नई बुक को सूँघती, मैं -
नाक सिकोड़, ग़ुस्से से, तुम्हारी ओर देखती!
पर तुम्हें हर बार पता होता था
कि मेरा ग़ुस्सा तो बस दिखावे भर का था।
.
फिर क्यों तुम उस बार मेरा ग़ुस्सा नहीं समझ पाये?
हमारे बीच के हर अनकहे रिश्ते को पीछे छोड़, जब मैं आगे बढ़ी,
क्यों नहीं रोक पाये?
सब कुछ शायद तुम्हारी चुप्पी के साथ ही बदल गया था,
कुछ तुम बदले,
और कुछ मैं!
.
मेरे उस जामुनी दुपट्टे से आज भी रंग छूटता है,
शायद इसलिये मैंने सफ़ेद रंग पहनना -
छोड़ दिया है!
-
S.

कुछ अनकहा सा

क्या चाहती हो तुम?
कौन? मैं ?
आप सोचते होंगे कौन है ये?
.
मैं - मीरा।
या शायद शबनम!
नाम में क्या रखा है?
तुम्हारे लिये मेरी केवल एक ही पहचान है- कि मैं एक स्त्री हूँ।
जब चाहा रौंदा, जब मन चाहा खींचा और फेंक दिया।
तुम मुझसे व्यर्थ में प्रश्न कर रहे हो।
.
क्या तुम समझ सकोगे कि थोड़ा सुकून चाहती हूँ!
अपने ही घर में बिना किसी डर, बिना रस्सियों में जकड़े सांसे लेना चाहती हूँ।
मुझे आदत है।
सम्भाले जाने की- कभी बाबा ने सम्भाला तो कभी भाई ने,
पर क्या मैं सक्षम नहीं, अपनी रक्षा करने में।
दूसरों से तो हर पल लड़ी मैं ,
पर अपने घर में - हॉ इन चार दीवारों के भीतर किस तरह छिपूँ मैं ?
.
तागा तागा कर जब मेरी पोशाक उतारी जाती है...
जब उन नज़रों में अपने लिये स्नेह नहीं, लोभ देखती हूँ -
उसे अनदेखी करना चाहती हूँ ।
जब साथ चलते उनके हाथ ग़लती से ही इस क़दर मुझे छूते हैं कि मेरी रूह कॉप जाती है,
उस गहरी सॉस को वहीं रोक देना चाहती हूँ।
.
मुझे घृणा होती है- कि क्यूँ मुझे स्त्री बनाया!
क्यों माँ बन पाने की अनमोल भेंट दी?
क्यों मेरे अंदर इतना प्रेम दिया कि सर्वोपरि सबका भला सोचूँ?
यही तो मेरा काल हुया!
.
मैं मीरा!
या शायद शबनम!
पर तुम्हारे लिये मैं केवल एक जिस्म ही रही।


-

S

Paradoxes Inside Us

My reflections are you.
All these years,
All this while-
I'd survived-
not knowing how a part of me is
connected,
to you.

And then one day,
You catch me-
unaware.
Serendipity. Deja-vu.
Yes.
That's how it feels.
You make me wonder,
how you know exactly-
how I feel.

I ask you,
And the simplicity of your reply,
"We all have a part of each other latched on-
to our own soul"
This!
Satiates my soul.

I feel complete-
in some ways.
Any yet a deep void,
blares its existence in me.
Me and you,
similar and yet so different.
United by our own disparities.
Me and you..... 

Illusion

These linear roads,
make me search...
and my eyes
they choose to follow you,
across this vast-
ocean of life.
And you,
like the Pied Piper of Hamelin,
Lead me on.
Without awareness- towards the unknown.

And here, I wait,
for the spell to break-
Just this once.
I want to be aware,
awake and still-
follow you,
in all my burning desires.

There-
there you are,
evading me,
against the turquoise of the evening sky;
against the deep blue that fills up,
my half-closed eyelids;
Lurking, waiting,
taking flight even before I have a chance
 to give form to your presence.

Your Presence in me

As Tara sat waiting, alone in the hospital room, the only name that reverberated in her mind was Shlok’s. She thought of calling him and seek the comfort of his presence on that dreary day, which was about to change their lives. But the anger and pain inside her stopped her from doing so. She couldn’t bring herself to eve dial his number, let alone talks to him. The voice in her head screamed out to her once more if she was sure of what she was about to do. The peach colored walls of the hospital room seemed dreary and lifeless. For some reason, the colors in her life had ceased to exist. Hardly few minutes had passed when a nurse appeared, a folded blue paper gown in her arms and reminded Tara that she was not allowed to eat or drink anything before the operation and asked Tara to get ready. Promising to be back soon the nurse left her sitting there, the cold of the steel chair seeping in through her skin. Tara wondered if the nurse had a child, how she felt to meet women everyday who came in there – signs of tender life glowing in their wombs to be to be scraped out

 Just like Tara had.

Taking a deep sigh, she got up from the chair and put on the gown the nurse had left there. The paper gown, felt cold against her skin. As she sat waiting, her mind started throbbing trying to drown down the voice of reason which seemed to be screaming at her every now and then. Tara was aware of her heart beating fast against her chest wanting to explode. Just then the nurse entered the room quietly and smiled at her. It was the signal she had been dreading, that it was time.

But to Tara, suddenly everything became clear. In that single moment, her mind attained a clarity that she had been looking for. Clarity of the choice she wanted to make and what she should do. She picked up the denim skirt and the white floral t-shirt she had carefully folded a little while ago and rushed to the restroom. When she re-appeared five minutes later she realized that the nurse was bewildered and shocked.

“The doctor is waiting for you” the nurse said.

“Tell them I have decided. I want this baby” Tara replied.’

And with that Tara rushed out. The streets were desolate and empty when she emerged from the hospital and dialed her husband’s number. The call went through after the third ring and she screamed into the phone even before Shlok had said hello.

“I didn’t do it. I am keeping the baby. Even if you don’t want to, but I can’t let a part of me go- just like that” Tara said hot tears streaming down her face, laughing at the same time. When Tara had finally disconnected the call, she felt her heart was at peace. My Baby she thought. And with that she felt a warmth fill her up. And for the first time she realized that she had fallen in love with a presence, even without knowing. Such was her love- complete and replete with the essence of peace; one that knew no limits and gave her the strength- to hold on.