That "No" Never Meant a "Yes"

This is the hardest thing I've ever written. Hard not because I don't have the right words to express my thoughts, but simply because I don't know where to start. When I'd been writing about how I have healed over the past year, towards better, I also realized how, many people have been a part of this journey of self healing, in a lot of ways. There were women, who supported me. But this support worked differently. I'd speak to a lot of women, discuss their problems, listen to them and the acknowledgement that I've helped them grow, in fact helped the growth in me. But that is not what I intend to write about, here. 

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Over the past few days, with the advent of the #metoo campaign, the social media news feed has been bustling with stories of sexual abuse, people faced at some point of their lives. It is surprising, how a colossal section of us, have been subjected to abuse as children, when we were probably too young, too naive to understand, or contemplate things. It leaves scars, which probably would never heal, leaving a buzz inside our own head, "Was it my fault?" What is even more surprising is the fact that this feeling, of being at fault perhaps becomes a part of our demonic inner self. We however, have come a long way, in being able to share our experiences, our thoughts, claiming that we belong to that generation, where acceptance is virtue.

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Or is it?

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Abuse, in an form is not easy, to come to terms with- whether it be at our workplace, on roads, or even within the safe haven of the family. It becomes exceedingly difficult when the person in question turns out to be someone, you'd once respected and in some ways admired. How do you come to terms with the very fact, that someone meant to protect you, would ravage your existence each moment you are alone with that person? Thanks to my loving parents and my sister, I've always felt protected, safe even when they are miles away. Their very presence giving me the strength to go on with life, whatever the situation might be. But when something of this magnitude happens, your core is shaken up. And when I speak of acceptance, of women empowerment, I speak of women who have stood by me- supported me. But here it comes- acceptance.

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In spite of all the support, I was questioned. I was asked why did I stay silent? Why was I being a disappointment? I resorted to the very thing I usually do, I wrote about it. To that, people said, stop romanticizing things! You should've done this or that. I can clearly remember the way I felt maligned when the person in question, was in the same room as me. The bile that rose in me, when he tried repeatedly to grope me, when he put me in awkward situations. Time and again. And to everyone, who'd question "Why would you stay silent?", let me tell you that it was not easy. Coming to facts with this- was not easy at all. 

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However, over time, I gathered myself up and I confronted him, and then I was blamed, for saying a "No" that was not strong enough. My only question here, is that does the connotation of a No change with time? It does not. And people, men, women, need to understand that. Its great that people are being aware, of the vices others face, but by being judgmental, they are not offering any solace- they only end up aggravating an already serious issue.  

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The only thing that will help, is the awareness, that it is not our fault. That  no is meant to convey a certain aspect, which people chose to ignore. That we, as individuals, are not answerable to the entire world, for the choices we make. That its okay, to protect ourself,  even from our own loved ones, if need be. That in the journey of self discovery, and healing the only thing that matters is our own faith. 

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Being strong does not mean having to accept things as they are. Being strong also doesn't mean shouting out to the entire world, what we are going through. Being strong is as much about holding on, there when its all about to collapse. 

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Stay strong.

- S.